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The Iron Throne, Part One: This Can Only End Well

08 Jul

Welcome!

It’s time to start another Let’s Play. This time, I’m tackling another Paradox Interactive game; Crusader Kings II! For those not in the know, Crusader Kings II is a medieval assassination simulator (there is also politicking and war, but those pale in comparison to the fun to be had murdering everyone stealthy-like). Unlike most other Paradox grand strategy games, CKII has you play a dynasty, rather than a nation. In other words, you pick a character, and when his time runs out, you play his heir – whomever that might be – and move on from there, taking up your late fathers titles and ruling as king/duke/chief/whatever, and so on until the games end date.

For a clearer picture as to how the game plays, exactly, imagine Game of Thrones, but with a cast of ten thousand spanning four centuries (six if you have The Old Gods). The scheming and killing would actually make the perfect Game of Thrones videoga-

There’s a Mod for That.

I’m sorry?

There is totally a mod for that!

There is totally a mod for that!

Oh. Huh.

This can only end well!

Yes, folks, I am playing the exceedingly wonderful GoT mod for Crusader Kings II. There are plenty of scenarios to choose from, but I will be taking the scenario central to the early books; the Clash of Kings (so yeah, major spoilers for the early books).

But who should I play as? Really, there is only one choice, only one sane man in the whole of Westeros. Only one King who can guide the Seven Kingdoms with a steady hand and noble heart.

It will not end anything LIKE well.

THIS CAN ONLY END WELL

Joffrey Baratheon (Lannister) shall reunite the Kingdoms of Westeros under the flag of the Iron Throne. The heads of Robb, Renly and Stannis will lay at my feet within a month! In the meantime, let’s take a look at the new map of our great continent. Joffrey needs to know where he stands.

The South. Land controlled by the Iron Throne directly sits in the centre-right. To the west is the aptly and equally boringly named Westerlands. Directly south is the Stormlands, and to the west of that (my southwest) is the... Peach? And far south is Dorne.

The South. Land controlled by the Iron Throne directly sits in the centre-right in grey. To the west is the aptly and equally boringly named Westerlands in red. Directly south is the Stormlands in yellow, and to the west of that (my southwest) is the… Peach? Whatever, it’s green. And far south is Dorne in brown-yellow.

The wretched North. They seem distressingly more unified than I...

The wretched North. They seem distressingly more unified than I…

As Joffrey is too young to rule on his own, his mother Queen Cersei Lannister rules as regent (not that this is going to help). In the south, Stannis Baratheon, Joffrey’s uncle, lays siege to his brother in Storms End. The border with Robb’s kingdom is secured by Joffrey’s grandfather, Lord Tywin Lannister, who holds fast with twenty thousand men in Harrenhal. Before Robb can build his armies up, Joffrey should raise his own vassals. One must be ready for anything, and with enemies all around, Joffrey is in a dangerous position.

WHAT IS THIS NONSENS! Bring me his head! BRING ME HIS BALLS! I WANT TO ROAST THEM!

WHAT IS THIS NONSENSE! Bring me his head! BRING ME HIS BALLS!

Calm down, Joffrey!

NO

Uh… please?

NO BECAUSE MARRIAGE

I’m sorry, what?

DAMN SHE'S A HOTTIE LOOK AT THAT FACE HNNNGH!

MARRIAGE

Who will you choose? What’s the plan, Joffrey?

BONE THE HOTTIE

And what about Sansa?

FUCK HER

Uh…

BITCH BE STUCK UP GONNA KILL HER I WANT THE HOTTIE

That might not be the best plan.

WHY WILL THE STARKS BE MAD LOL?

I’m more worried about the geek rage as we stray off canon.

LOLOL YOU CAN’T EVEN SPELL CANNON RIGHT IDIOT BESIDES…
ALREADY DONE WATCHA GONNA DO?

ALREADY DONE WATCHA GONNA DO?

Watch the hilarity unfold.

NOW I WANT TO IMPRISON SANSA FOR TREASON

I’m not sure you can just imprison people willy-nilly. There’s a whole process to –

LOL

LOL

Fuck.

Next Time: Wedding Preperations!

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