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The Iron Throne, Part Two: Wedding, Murder, Intrigue

10 Jul
I'M MARRIED NOW I WANT TO HOST A FEAST BECAUSE FUCK YOU I'M KING I DO WHAT I WANT

I’M MARRIED NOW I WANT TO HOST A FEAST BECAUSE FUCK YOU I’M KING I DO WHAT I WANT

That might not be the best plan, King Joffrey. You see, we have no money, and the wedding feast will cost you 400 Gold.

FUCK THAT SHIT WHO ARE THOSE OTHER PRISONERS ANYWAY?

I’m not actually sure, Sire. I’m not intimately familiar with the setting.

I WAS JUST GOING TO HAVE THEM EXECUTED BUT I GUESS I’LL RANSOM THEM OFF FOR FEAST MONEY

You do that, Joffrey. Meanwhile, Lord Paramount Tywin Lannister has left Harenhal, and is attacked by King Robb-

YOU TAKE THAT BACK

– at Castlewood.

2013-07-04_00002

Robb Stark has the upper hand –

YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH

Fear not, King Joffrey! Look back at that image. Tywin is losing the battle, but he has reinforcements only days away. Battles in CKII are not representing single, decisive engagements. They are instead abstractions of all the manoeuvring and tactical planning undertaken by both sides. ‘Battles’ of this sort will take many days in-game to complete themselves. Besides, our armies are assembled at King’s Landing; should our aid be necessary, they can make it to Robb’s army before he has a chance to escape, even if he succeeds in defeating Tywin Lannister.

Sadly, only one ransom is accepted.

BALLS WELL WHATEVER KILL THE OTHER TWO

BALLS WELL WHATEVER KILL THE OTHER TWO

I’d suggest otherwise, King Joffrey. You see, one of them is the son of a lord in the Reach

YOU MEAN THE PEACH LOL WHO’S THE OTHER ONE?

Uh… Jeyne Pool, daughter of a minor Lord of the North. Perhaps –

NOPE

NOPE

Well… Okay then. This leaves you with Horas Redwyne, an Andal and vassal of our new friends in the, uh… Peach. What should we do with him? Lord Paramount Mace I of the Peach doesn’t want him, not for the gold you’re asking.

EXECUTE NO WAIT BLIND HIM

*Sigh* Yes King Joffrey.

NO WAIT…
LOLOLOLOLOLOL

LOLOLOLOLOLOL WHATS NEXT

That would be Lady Sansa, Your Grace.

IT'S EVEN FUNNIER WHEN IT'S A GIRL LOL

IT’S EVEN FUNNIER WHEN IT’S A GIRL LOL BUT WAIT WHY DID I RELEASE HER IMPRISON HER AGAIN!

King Joffrey, there *is* a war still on. You do realize this, yes?

CALM YO TITS BRO GRANDPA TYWIN’S GOT THIS

2013-07-04_00007

So he does. So what’s the plan now, King Joffrey?

FUCK STANNIS IN THE BUM HOLE WITH A MACE

Ooooo-kay. In the meantime, we are having money troubles. You keep spending it to buy stuff.

NUH-UH NOT MY FAULT BRO
FOUND THE CULPRIT

FOUND THE CULPRIT

But there is no – fuck it. Never mind. Lord Tywin Lannister has defeated Robb the Young Wolf  at Castlewood, and now pursues him northward. He may be overextending, leaving Stannis unopposed, but your allies in the Peach may be all the help you need on that front. Still, Tywin may face ambush from the North if he isn’t careful.

Also, the NIghts Watch is asking for more men to man the Wall. They say it is an emergency.

DUDE NO TIME FOR SNARKS AND GRUMPKINS I HAVE REBELLIONS AND SHIT TO FIGHT

DUDE NO TIME FOR SNARKS AND GRUMPKINS I HAVE REBELLIONS AND SHIT TO FIGHT

Of course, Your Grace.

BEE-TEE-DUBS I TOTES SAVED THE DAY

What!? What did you do, Your Grace?

LOOOOOOL

LOOOOOOL

What.

Fucking WHAT!?

DRAGON BITCH BE DEAD YO

No, I got that far on my own. What.

I… whatever. Moving on. How did you hire the assassin?

GOLD BRO

Yeah, what gold? We have negative money, and negative cash flow. We already have huge debts. Where did you get the money?

LOANS ARE COOL ITS LIKE FREE MONEY FROM A BANK

That… is not how it works. You do realize the bank is charging you 25% interest on that loan, yes?

THAT’S INTERESTING LOLOL

Did… did you just make a pun, Your Grace?

PRETTY GOOD ONE TOO

Sure, I’ll give you that one.

COOL SO HEY I HAVE AN IDEA

I’ve had nightmares that begin this way…

MOM’S A TOTAL MONEYGRUBBER SINCE SHE STOLE FROM THE TREASURY

That was you, but go on.

I TOTALLY FORGOT TO HAVE A WEDDING FEAST SO NOW I'M APOLOGIZING TO THE HOTTIE

I TOTALLY FORGOT TO HAVE A WEDDING FEAST SO NOW I’M APOLOGIZING TO THE HOTTIE

ALSO THROWING MOM IN JAIL
TOTES DESERVES IT FOR STEALING

TOTES DESERVES IT FOR STEALING

That was still you. Also, she escaped.

PROVE IT

I’m sorry?

PROVE IT

Uh… Is Cersei in your prison?

NOPE

Well there you go.

Next Time: THIS CAN ONLY END WELL

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