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The Iron Throne, Part Three: Canon? What’s That?

12 Jul

With Cersei gone, her various children are without guardians and educators. Joffrey’s brother Tommen is tutored by Petyr Baelish, while Joffrey himself learns from Margery. Also, hey, this is interesting:

2013-07-04_00015

The NIghts Watch rides Dragons into battle against their foes. So… fuck yeah? Also, some lowborn woman named Shae has been plotting in the castle. Though she has made no hostile moves, she does have ambitions to replace Varys as Master of Whi-

NOPE

NOPE

Fucking…

DOUBLE NOPE

DOUBLE NOPE

I HATE YOU SO MUCH JOFFREY

U MAD BRO? AIN’T NO THANG, ALL THIS KILLING MAKES ME HORNY

That is an image I will never sear from my brain.

HOT DICKINGS BRO! HIGH FIVE

HOT DICKINGS BRO! HIGH FIVE

BY THE GODS YOU WERE NOT JOKING! AUUUGH!

Not content with underage sex (Joffrey is 13 years old) and getting ladies pregnant, King Joffrey has been making mischief.

WREAKING HAVOC TOGETHER. ME AND PODRICK ARE BFF'S

WREAKING HAVOC TOGETHER. ME AND PODRICK ARE BFF’S

While you’ve been making friends, Lady Sansa –

WHO?

Lady Sansa Stark, Your Grace.

I DON’T KNOW THE NAME

You loved her once.

HER?

Indeed.

DID SHE HAVE HAIR?

Um… yes.

DOESN’T RING A BELL

You imprisoned, blinded, released, then immediately imprisoned her again.

THAT DOESN’T SOUND LIKE ME

It… sounds exactly like you, Your Grace. Either way, she’s complaining about her treatment within your dungeon.

WHAT DOES SHE CARE IF IT'S DARK SHE CAN'T SEE LOL THROW HER IN THE OUBLIETTE

WHAT DOES SHE CARE IF IT’S DARK SHE CAN’T SEE LOL THROW HER IN THE OUBLIETTE

Uh, why?

SHE CAN’T TELL THE DIFFERENCE ANYWAY. SHE’S BLIND COMEDY!

*Sigh…* Yes Your Grace.

In other news, your armies have secured those rebellious lords nearest to our home, and Robb flees north, terrified of your grandfather, Lord Paramount Tywin Lannister of the Westerlands. This frees your armies to attack Stannis Baratheon, your uncle, who claims the throne as proper heir. He has fought hard and well against the forces of the Peach, and has risen victorious over our allies. However, he is weakened by the weeks of war against his brother and Lord Mace of the Peach, leaving him vulnerable. I suggest we press our advantage before he can recover.

GO FOR IT

Yes, Your Grace. Also, the Vale seems to be splitting apart.

2013-07-05_00006

COOL

Yes, Your Grace.

As the day of the birth of Joffrey’s first child nears, everyone in the Seven Kingdoms watches with their hearts full of a whelming passion, a frisson rising in their veins. Many men change the day they become fathers. Would a child calm our reckless king? When Margery took sick, Joffrey was distraught, inconsolable. He turned away even his closest friend Podrick and spent his every moment at Margery’s bedside.

She went into labour early in the night.

what

what

I’m sorry Your Grace.

no

no

no
No
NO
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

Your Grace?

FUCK YOU

King Joffrey falls into a deep depression, alternately weeping and catatonic.

what do i do?

What can I do?

There is nothing you can do, Your Grace. The Iron Throne calls for you. It needs a strong ruler, and you are the only King. The Iron Throne needs you, Joffrey. The Seven Kingdoms need you.

How’s the war against Stannis going?

There have been setbacks, My King.

Of course there have.

Stannis crushed our army by clever ambush, but our men gave as good as they got, and the forces of the Peach-

The Reach, you idiot.

Yes, Your Grace. The forces of the Reach saved our men from worse, and descended upon Stannis as he pursued us northwards from the Stormlands, defeating him.

And all glory goes to my in-laws. Fucking great.

The Night’s Watch has a new Commander; Bowen Marsh

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Your Grace? Have you anything to say about this?

Oh. Cool.

Yes, Your Grace. In other news; OH SHIT

2013-07-05_00008

The army of Lord Morcar of the North has outmanoeuvred Tywin Lannister and descended upon Kings Landing! The already-battered army of the Iron Throne is weak and under-strength, and cannot defend the castle!

Let them come. Let them kill me.

Let them come. Let them kill me.

They may not be so kind to your wife, Your Grace.

So? Maybe one of them can give her a healthy child.

Oh dear…

NEXT TIME: What will it take to get Joffrey back to his former self? And why do I feel dirty just hoping for that?

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