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The Iron Throne, Part Five: Alls Fair in Love and War

16 Jul

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The War in the North is won! Tywin presses them in the south, while the reavers of the Iron Isles (Man, GRRM likes naming things ‘the Iron X’, where X is something boring) press into Winterfell from the north. Robb has no choice but to capitulate to King Joffrey’s military will.

The North submits. Jaime Lannister is released, while Lord Edmure of the Riverlands and Robb Stark of the North are imprisoned.

Fuck all y’all!

Indeed, Your Grace. However, there are still decisions to be made, and you are King on the Iron Throne.

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All his land belongs to the Iron Throne!

It did, once. But this may not be the reality of the Seven Kingdoms any more.

ALL HIS LAND!

Oh. Oh dear. Is this the old Joffrey back?

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That would be a yes. At least he isn’t castrating anyone? He seems to be spending too much time fawning over the canvas material on which the new maps are being printed.

SNIFF SNIFF IT'S BEAUTIFUL!

SNIFF SNIFF IT’S BEAUTIFUL!

While staring at the print, however, Joffrey is approached by a strange, hooded figure. I cannot hear what words trade between the two…

DON'T WORRY BRO HE SEEMS LEGIT

DON’T WORRY BRO HE SEEMS LEGIT

TOTALLY ON THE LEVEL

TOTALLY ON THE LEVEL

I’m sure, King Joffrey. In other news, now that peace reigns over most of the Seven Kingdoms – the Siege of Storms End progresses slowly – you need to select new Wardens, starting with the Warden of the North.

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WELL IT CERTAINLY ISN’T GOIN’ TO A TRAITOR!!

Of course, Your Grace. Besides, Brandon Stark is far too young to be –

WAIT WHY AIN’T HE DEAD YET?

I’m sorry Your Grace?

DAT BITCH AIN’T DEAD YET! KILL HIM!

*Sigh* Yes, King Joffrey.

AND THAT OTHER ONE TOO! RICKY MARTIN OR WHATEVER

You mean Rickon. The tiny little child?

YEAH THAT ONE

That would make Lady Sansa Lady of the North.

WHO?

Lady Sansa.

HER?

That’s correct. She’s a Stark.

WTF YOU SURE?

Yes.

OH RIGHT SHE BE DA BITCH WITH HAIR

Sure, why not. She’s also the one you blinded and jailed.

OH YEAH WELL SHE CAN LIVE LOL

I cannot say I understand you, Joffrey. At all.

I TAKE MY CUES FROM CARL

I don’t know who that is.

CAAAAAAAARL

Oh. That… explains everything, really.

 

THE END

 

Unfortunately, the game has become pointless. Stannis is done, and nothing challenges Joffrey’s rule of the Seven Kingdoms. Daenerys is dead, Stannis, Robb and Renly are all dead. There is nothing left to fight.

Also, the game keeps crashing. Such are the dangers of complex mods, I suppose. I think it’s trying to trigger a Daenerys event, but since she is not alive the game simply kicks the bucket. I cannot go two days from my current save without it crashing, and changing characters changes nothing.

 

With that, I bid you adieu. I certainly had fun, short as the campaign may have been.

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