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Dar al-Islam, Part Sixteen: The Kalmen-Tulunid War

31 Aug
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Fustat is ours, Hakam! But remember; Ra’uf still has thirty thousand men in the west, and that war is now over. We are about to be flooded by Tulunid counterattack.
I will kill each of those men with my own bare hands!

Well, we have problems closer to home. While we’ve been laying siege to the citadels of Fustat, those thirty thousand men have taken Benghazi, Senoussi and Cyrenaica.

An even trade!

I would agree, mostly. However…

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Mobs of rabble rose in Fustat the very moment we moved into the Sinai to finish the job. Meanwhile, your Grand Vizier has been hard at work sowing discord and unhappiness among those loyal to the Sultan.

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At the same time, your wife Zaynab has given birth to a little girl, named Nabila.

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But the war marches on. They are crushing us in the west, while the Sinai falls easily to your forces.

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The rabble in Fustat is easily dealt with. All that remains is a confrontation between the two massive armies. The Tulunid forces triple our own. There are no more allies to call.

Suddenly:

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Boom baby! The Akbarid and their Sicilian allies are taking advantage of the moment to declare their independance from the Tulunid Dynasty and young Ra’uf’s rule. The Tulunid armies are lessened by this betrayal, but they are not out. Nineteen thousand men remain, just to the right of the screenshot there, and they march towards the Nile. But some battles need not be fought.

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Between our glorious victories and the sieges of Fustat and the Sinai, Ra’uf is totally and soundly beaten. Ra’uf surrenders to you, Sultan Hakam.

I like the sound of that!

I knew you would!

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We do have a slight hiccup, though. The Akbarid war of independence carries over to us, now that we control the throne from which they are seeking independence.

I am Sultan of Egypt! Nothing can stop me!

What if I told you the Hassimid have also declared war upon you. They don’t seem to approve of any old guy coming along and taking the throne. They call you a pretender to the throne!

Those backstabbing swine! This will not stand! They are the ones who helped me make my claim on the throne!

Actually, this might be even more trouble than I thought. The map of Egypt looks something like this:

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Holy. Shit.

Yeah, I think we are in trouble. In fact, I feel like my previous ‘BOOM BABY’ was perhaps premature.

Hey, you know what worked last time?

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There, no more claimant.

I don’t think that will work, Sultan.

You sure?

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I… Well… Good job? And hey, now you have a son to secure your lineage!

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Oh, twins! That’s cool! And then your other wife, too!

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Three sons, all in the same week! That’s pretty crazy. Also crazy? This:

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Can I get (another) BOOM BABY!

BOOM BABY!

However, there are two things you should be aware of. While we were at war, an African warlord took the province of Djerba from the Akbarids, and he remains in control – and the Byzantines took Sicily back.

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Honestly, I don’t care much about Sicily anyway. But Djerba will be an easy take!

Unfortunately, there remains a great deal of unrest at home, with many angry factions surrounding the political court of the Kalmen Sultanate.

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Though perhaps what you have learned in your studies will help you assuage their hostility.

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Everything would be better if everyone were Egyptian…

What are you going to do, convert their genes?

Convert their what?

Don’t worry about it. Worry about this:

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This is a disturbing turn of events. However, your son and heir (also named Hakam) has been a bit lethargic lately. He has no drive, no desires.

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And you were wounded in a minor skirmish in Tunis.

No I wasn’t!

Uh…

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I don’t trust that notification. Looks shooped. I would know. I’ve shooped a few woops in my time.

I don’t even have photoshop, and you don’t know what that is! You cannot use being ‘possessed’ as an excuse to break the fourth wall with stupid internet memes!

I can, and I will!

NEXT TIME: Hilarity Ensues

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Posted by on August 31, 2013 in CK II, Snarkangel Plays (The Tags)

 

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