Dar al-Islam, Part Twenty-One: Bodies for the Meat Grinder

13 Sep
Are you talking to me yet?

Guess not. Does that mean I’m in charge of narrating this series?

Well let’s get started! The Kalmen Awesomate has suffered much against these traitorous losers. But with the great Hakam II at the head of the Kalmen armies, the lame n00bz are going down!


Here we see an unbiased screenshot crop, showing that we have sieged all the enemy holdings in Cyrenaica, Senoussi and Tobruk. We are marching on Benghazhi to do the same after one of my captains failed to hold the province and was destroyed. His incompetence earned him his fate.
And it looks like someone finally gets it!


I should be CALIPH! I’m sure the people of Egypt are behind me.


Oh yeah, they’ve totes got my back. The Muslim world is looking a little fractured, but Egypt is mine! Then the Caliphate. It’ll be awesome, and nothing can go wrong here! There is no context in which diving into the Caliphate’s civil war is a bad idea!


This is going to be, wait for it…


Awwwww yeah! I’m so witty.


The early battles of this war are confined mostly to the Levantine Coast. But I have a war to win in Egypt first! And that war is slowly turning around as I murder my way through about five more pre-pubescent kids, leaving the opposing armies leaderless and disordered as child after child, regency after regency, falls to my spies and assassins.
I love having a crazy high Intrigue score, not gonna lie. And the fact that my sister, who also has a ridiculous Intrigue, is my Spymaster. Combined, we are a baby-murdering machine! The Coalition of Losers continues to suffer losses, as do I. But I can replace my casualties much faster than they can, and with careful manoeuvring I am now winning this war of attrition. The war has lasted eight years, but finally it is looking my way! And hey, I captured one of the leaders of the Coalition!


Now guess who has an itchy sword hand? THIS GUY.


Hmm… All these executions have really been digging into my Piety (since Muslim rulers need to spend Piety in order to execute fellow Muslims). Whatever, this guy don’t even give a fuck!
The Abassid Caliph was killed in battle! Now the Zweirid dynasty has the Caliphate, but whatevs. It’ll be mine soon anyway.
Both sides in the war in Egypt began with twenty+ thousand men. How many men remain after a decade of constant warfare?


lol. That’s really it. That’s every single soldier that remains in Egypt, minus four hundred men I have stuck in Sicily. Two years later, though, and the war looks like this:


There remain a dozen or so holdings I need to siege before I can call myself the victor, but never mind that. I AM THE VICTOR! Speaking of AWESOME VICTORIES:


Know what that makes me? I’m the Caliph, bitch!
You know what? That’s… rather underwhelming. It also means I have inherited two new wars, because wading into a civil war and taking the throne didn’t solve every problem in the world. Who knew? Let’s raise some armies to deal with these other losers while I deal with the Egyptian losers!




Wait. Wait, hold on. I’m looking around at my brandspankingnew Caliphate armies, and what do I see? The most glorious sight I have ever witnessed. BEHOLD THE MEGADEATHSTACK






It even comes with a little skull. That means it is special AWESOME.


Oh wait, that just means it is suffering from losses due to lack of supplies. Which is understandable, because ONE-HUNDRED THOUSAND MEN.


NEXT TIME: War. War never changes. Unless you have a MEGADEATHSTACK. Then everything changes.

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Posted by on September 13, 2013 in CK II, Snarkangel Plays (The Tags)


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