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Dar al-Islam, Part Twenty-Two: The Anticlimactic Caliphate

16 Sep
Let’s finish these Egyptian shitbirds! First, I need to split the MEGADEATHSTACK into two smaller DEATHSTACKS. One is going north, into Europe, to deal with the Hungarian rulers, the Abdullahid Dynasty, and their bid for independence from this great Sunny Caliphate.
With my army now numbering near a quarter-million, the Coalition of Losers surrenders. Egypt is whole again!

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It’s… It’s… Beautiful. But up the coast, well…

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What am I even looking at?

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Oh. I’m looking at a blade. That’s what that feels like.

Fucking finally!

Now that that is over with, let’s rebuild what your father has destroyed. Isn’t that right, Hakam Jr.?

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You were right. My father was dangerous and insane. I had to kill him. Do you know how many children he killed in the last decade?

I’ve been trying not to think about it.

Forty-two. Most of them were Kalmen children, in fact.

Yeesh. We did the right thing, you an I. Your father, on the other hand, left us a massive clusterfuck. But, he left you with the Sunni Caliphate. Unfortunately, between the civil war, the Coalition war, and now another civil war, the Caliphate is nothing like what it once was. Arabia is lost to us, as is most of Mesopotamia, Abyssinia and Anatolia. Also, a peasant revolt. Your fathers taxes were exorbitant.

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Even from beyond the grave the ghost of my father haunts me.

It’s not all bad news, though.

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We can all breathe a little easier. Despite the huge setbacks, we might come out on top.

Thirty-five years after the start of the Coalition War, the Kalmen dynasty again knows peace. After all the wars, after all the killing and the hatred, the Kalmen Caliphate looks like this:

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It’s glorious!

It’s also going in the absolute wrong direction! We want to be going west so we can colonize the Americas! Your father took us east!

We have three hundred fifty years left to get there. First, I want to reunite the whole Caliphate, including all those little bits that have broken away.

Fine. But you’ve got a lot of little wars to deal with first.Some emirs are demanding independence, others demand lower Crown Authority. The web of allies the Kalmen dynasty has weaved in the past two centuries means you are receiving constant calls to arms.

Accept them, I suppose. Even though I have no intention of actually sending aid, at least I won’t take the prestige penalty for refusing an ally.

The only war of any note is this one, with two Greek lords declaring independence:

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As you can see, they have a lot of men in Anatolia and the Balkans. It won’t be difficult to defeat them, but trying to organize your now vast empire with any alacrity is a doomed ordeal. The rebels are making good progress while troops march north from Egypt and west from Mesopotamia.

While our armies march to meet the rebels, the rebels take huge swathes of the Balkans. Eventually, our armies gain the upper hand in Anatolia and bring hold after hold to its knees.

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This war is taking a looooong time, but nothing interesting is happening. In fact, this was has lasted nearly five years. Egads! In that time, there have been three peasants revolts, another short-lived bid for independence in Italy, and now your brother-in-law, Lot, is after your throne.

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Allah be merciful!

Yeah, things are taking a turn of the worse. Again. But don’t worry; if your crazy father could do it, you can do it too!
Well, except for one incredibly problematic boy…

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My displeasure is infinite!

That’s… one way of putting it, I suppose. Let’s take a look at this Sh’ia boy’s army, shall we?

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Yeah, that’s four-hundred-fifty thousand men in Kuwait.

WHAT!? How did they even get there without anyone noticing!?

Magic, I presume. I say we just leave them alone for now, let attrition thin their numbers while we pursue our five other current wars to a conclusion of sorts.

Will attrition be neough?

Oh, most certainly not. Not even close. Nope. Nuh-uh. Kalmen be done, yo. I mean, Lot still has thirty thousand men in Africa, invading your lands there too!

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Wait. what? What did you do?

Nothing! I have no idea! I received no peace offerings or demands, and sent none of my own. The war just… ended!

Well what was the result?

Uh… nothing? I can’t see anything that changed.

Yeah, me neither. No wait, there it is!

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The Itijid boy took three provinces and formed his own, laughably miniscule ‘Caliphate’ there.

lolwut? Well that was a freebie.

Yeah, I guess it was!

NEXT TIME: Let’s not squander that opportunity, yes?

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Posted by on September 16, 2013 in CK II, Snarkangel Plays (The Tags)

 

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