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Dar al-Islam, Part Twenty-Three: Arabs Unite!

19 Sep
Well, with that insanity avoided for now, let’s get back to unifying the Arabian Empire, shall we?
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There, that’s it. That’s all the petty wars of the last fifteen years, all dealt with.
I need a break. I’m going on a Hajj to Mecca!

Good luck, yo!

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Well that was nice.

Good, because the rest of the world was not still while you were away.

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Is there no rest to be had in this world?

Not for the Caliph! You have an Arabian Empire to unite!

Right right. Let’s start with all these one-province lords in the Levant and Mesopotamia.

Yes, let’s!2013-09-12_00018

Oh, ignore him! He hasn’t declared war yet…

While on campaign against some tiny lord, a bear attacked you!

That’s unfortunate.

It is! But don’t worry, you have a big strong man to save you!

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Mmmm, bears…

Oh my!

But do you know what’s more dangerous than bears?

A CRUSADE!!

FOR… ENGLAND!?

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Last time we looked at Britain, it was a bit of a mess, with Norse Scots (called Skots, because they are Norse) and Danes tearing the Isles apart. In the last century it… has not changed much.

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But let’s look at the religious map, too.

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Yeah, I can see why the Pope would consider this problematic. At the games start in 867, the Catholics had pushed nearly all Norse from the Isles. Clearly they made a comeback, formed Skotland, which gained Norway (by inheritance) and Ireland (by conquest). Clearly they are not doing quite as well now; they’ve lost half of Ireland and all of Norway. But they have Pommerania!

Basically, the Pope is declaring a Crusade to fight a weakened Skotland and a powerfulish Denmark, which controls its own land, as well as parts of Finland. Neither one, nor both together, will stand up to the Holy Roman Empire should it join the Crusade. Because honestly? There really isn’t any other Christian nation. Western Europe looks like this:

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Yes, that is Aquitaine and Toulouse fighting the Spanish for control of Northern Iberia, while the Muslim Balawids hunker down in the south.

Eastern Europe looks like this:

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Poland in two parts, the Byzantine Empire in Croatia and Montenegro, and a big ol’ Rus on the upper right. Just right of the screenshot is the giant Seljuk empire, just sitting there.

And the religious map of Europe:

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All that purpley-pink blotchyness in Anatolia and Greece is Orthodox Christianity. It’s so messy because I’m busily converting the Orthodox to Sunni Islam, one province at a time. Slow going.

Anyway, the Crusade!

Anyway, intrigue!

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Anyway, war!

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Sigh.

Don’t worry. After a few minor skirmishes around Alexandria, Prince Zeyd is beaten and surrenders.

Well that was-

Please don’t say easy.

Boring. I was going to say boring.

Yeah, I’ve never played as a character as powerful as a Caliph before. It has so far been nothing but plot discovered announcements and peasant revolts not even worth mentioning.
That said, the Sh’ia Caliph to the east has been growing quite rapidly!

With the Holy Roman Empire’s failure to commit to the Crusade, the Pope has no choice but to call it off.

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I don’t know why they thought Jesus Christ would guide them to victory.

Me neither, Hakam. Me neither.

 

The failure of this First Crusade for England has had far-reaching and monumental consequences. Western Europe is… Well, look at it!

 

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That’s, uh… severe.

 

You can say that again!

 

That’s, uh-

 

Don’t.

 

This is actually a good time to take back those Italian and Sicilian holdings we somehow lost somewhere along the way. The Holy Roman Empire is distracted and discordant, while we are stronger than ever! The Holy Roman Empire at full strength would certainly crush us, but as it is? Victory will be ours with little issue, I predict.

 

Lo and behold!

 

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That was-

 

Don’t you dare.

 

EASY!

 

easy-button

I hate you so much right now.

 

You love it!

 

Grump grump grump.

 

 

See? You play tough, but you think I’m hilarious.

 

Grump.

 

NEXT TIME: Grumpy McGrumperson grumps some more

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Posted by on September 19, 2013 in CK II, Snarkangel Plays (The Tags)

 

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