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Dar al-Islam, Part Twenty-Seven: Go West, Young Man (Also a Second Crusade)

01 Oct
With the Itijid and Byzantine empires both reeling from our recent military victories, it seems safe to call our borders secure. So let’s work at expanding those borders, yeah?
Yeah!

West we go! There’s nothing very interesting between us and Iberia, but once we get across the Straight of Gibraltar, hoo boy!

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Aquitaine is the most powerful nation in Europe at the moment, what with the Holy Roman Empire looking like this:

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Also:

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Well isn’t that grand? It’s always nice to have another body or two around, in case I need him.

So uh, hey. I just noticed something odd…

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Oh hey! Some of those random, unimportant marriages paid off!

Well that’s nice. Now we have a tiny little province in the middle of the Seljuk horde.

Good thing they’re our allies, huh?

You can say that again! Please don’t, by the way.

I would never do something so good thing they’re our allies, huh?

I hate you and everything you stand for.

You know, there were a few seemingly insignificant marriages made in the last, oh, three hundred years. One of them got me Mali!

WHAT!? When?

I dunno. Like, a few years ago?

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How did I not notice this?

*shrug*

I need to pay better attention…

Well, okay. That makes things much easier! Let’s start our westward march, and get ready to fight Aquitaine!

Wait, hold on.

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I fucking love books bro!

That’s… good to hear. How’s that moving west thing going?

It’s fine. Boring, but fine.

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I figured it would be. The Kalmen Caliphate totally dominates Africa, the Middle East and Greece. Nothing can stop us now.

Well, nothing but jealous wives.

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Aren’t dynastic politics fun?

Well that’s word you can use to describe the death of my wife…

I know, that’s why I used it!

Word has reached me that, somewhere in Europe, a man claiming right to the throne of Byzantium is mustering forces. You should prepare to fight off a potentially massive force. He will also have access to the newly-formed Knights Templar.

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How are you going to deal with all these new and sudden threats, Aksir?

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Sure yeah. Let’s go with that.

Well fine! If that’s not good enough for you…

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Please don’t tell me you’re diving in…

Fine. I won’t tell you.

God damn it, Aksil! That is not what I meant!!

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Good job. Important information gathered.

You never know what Hekebepet is going to do, that saucy bitch.

Please don’t speak.

It’s useful stuff!

I can see that.

I sense some bitterness in you. Are you bitter?

YES.

Oh. Sorry.

At least you improved your Intrigue. Which, granted, may have had something to do with this?

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When did you get the Varangian Guard on your side?

Emperor of Byzantium, remember?

Oh yeah. It’s easy to forget that one. Especially in moments of utter crisis.

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Oh they want Jerusalem do they? LET THEM COME!

What are you going to do?

Kill every single Christian who crosses my border!

Good plan. But I might have a better one…

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See that? That’s Rome. The brown stuff is Lotharingia, formerly Italy, formerly the Byzantine Empire. They are Orthodox, so they probably won’t join the Crusade for Jerusalem.

And that green? That’s us. Right on Rome’s borders. Raise a few fleet levies and ship a massive army into Italy and sack Vatican City! That’ll show ’em!

I like the way you think!

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Done and done! That was easy, what’s nex- holy shit Lotharingia actually did declare war on me!

Calm down, calm down! Maybe Lotharingia has changed rulers? I haven’t been paying attention, so maybe they are Catholic after all. But that’s not a problem. We got this, you and me!

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See? It’s all good!

Yeah, fuck your Crusade! One day, I’ll rule in Rome. Everything is awesome!

NEXT TIME: Is it really?

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2 Comments

Posted by on October 1, 2013 in CK II, Snarkangel Plays (The Tags)

 

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2 responses to “Dar al-Islam, Part Twenty-Seven: Go West, Young Man (Also a Second Crusade)

  1. Badd

    October 2, 2013 at 7:45 PM

    … This is going to end up with the Roman Empire restored, Catholicism declared a heresy of orthodoxy, and the caliph also being the patriarch of Rome, isn’t it?

     
    • snarkangel

      October 3, 2013 at 1:47 AM

      … Sort of.

      The ‘Restore the Roman Empire’ decision doesn’t make a lick of sense coming from an Egyptian Muslim, so I sort of change the event myself. But yes, spoilers, the Caliph becomes Orthodox Patriarch of Rome, because yeah. Just… yeah.

       

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