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Dar al-Islam, Part Twenty-Eight: A Change of Plans

04 Oct
Hey Aksil, take a look at this!
2013-09-26_00001
What am I looking at?

This is the mapmode on which you assign your spymaster to steal technology.

And?

And it’s empty!

Yes. And?

And that means there is no one with any technology to steal! Alexandria is the most technologically advanced nation in Europe!

Cool!

Very cool! So I’ve been thinking…

That could be problematic…

Well, in addition to the titles of Caliph and Padishah, you are also the Byzantine Emperor, yes?

Correct.

And the Byzantine Empire is simply the eastern half of the Roman Empire – in fact, historically in this period, it was simply referred to as the Roman Empire, even if it didn’t control Rome itself.

Go on.

Well, we very nearly control the city of Rome.

2013-09-28_00008

(Oh yeah, I forgot to mention… The Kalmen Caliphate inherited a bunch of Italian provinces, and the Lotharingians – former Byzantine Emperors – lost control of the rest, so I nabbed a bunch of small single-province nations in quick order.)

(Also: Would someone please deal with those damn Vikings!)

Oh my!

Yes indeed. And with only a small edit in some of the game files, I could make it so that you could, in fact, form the Roman Empire yourself. As a Muslim. Ahistorical? Yes. Awesome? VERY!

That’s… That is…

Awesome?

VERY!

I told you!

SO AWESOME! SOOOO AWESOME! I’M GOING FOR IT MAN!

Uh… calm down Aksil.

I’M GONNA BE THE ROMAN EMPEROR FUUUUCK YEAH!

2013-09-28_00001

I think I burst a blood vessel.

I told you to calm down! Just take a break Aksil.

Yeah. Good plan.

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Sadly, all that stress has taken a brutal toll on your body.

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No matter how sick you might be, Aksil, the world carries on. Aquitaine is suffering from a brief civil war. They are going to win – of that there is little doubt. But while this war rages on, we can snag a chunk of Iberia for ourselves.

Bluuuuurgh.

I’ll take that as a yes.

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That’s a pretty hefty Piety hit. But we can take it (we have 1700)!

Bluuurp

Ew.

The war progresses nicely…

2013-09-28_00005

But then…

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Stop stressing, man! Just take a few deep breaths.

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See? Nothing to worry about. We won! It was a little sketchy at the end there, when both Germany (which has replaced the Holy Roman Empire) and Lotharingia (Byzantium) joined to defend their brothers of the faith. But it was too late; other than a few skirmishes in Italy, Lotharingia contributed nothing to the war.

Huuuurghble

You might want to get that checked out by a doctor…

Since you remain stressed and infirm, I guess that means I’m in charge? Cool!

Let’s get some retinues into Italy, in preparation for the Holy War for the city of Rome. Because declaring that will bring in every Catholic in Europe against us, and even we cannot take all that. Not even close.

But it’ll be awesome, right?

Gurmple

I thought so!

Our armies prepare outside Rome…

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Yeah, that’s not suspicious. Don’t mind us, Pope Formosus! We’re just… here to observe. Nothing more!

Meanwhile…

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Pay us no mind, Pope!

No wait, I lied.

2013-09-28_00011

Silly me.

Now I just need to take Rome before Lotharingia, Germany and Aquitaine (which is slowly patching itself back together) swarm me. Kalmen armies muster on the borders, just waiting for the chance to invade. They won’t win, but they will hopefully hold the Christians at bay long enough to take and hold Rome.

NEXT TIME: The War for Rome

P.S. This game has been a cakewalk ever since I accidentally inherited the Caliphate. There have been a few close calls, but now the game has devolved into ‘Kalmen Takes The World’.

The Kalmen Caliphate is unwieldy and an unfun. At any given moment, I have two or three peasant revolts, and Anatolia continues to be a disgruntled thorn, demanding independence every five to ten years.

The game itself has devolved into an endless chain of ‘click OK’ on a new message’ every few seconds, and it has slowed the game to a crawl. So many ‘important’ messages that I cannot skip or turn off, each one requiring a second or two of my time to make disappear – only to be followed up only moments later by another one. It’s getting incredibly frustrating to run an empire this large. I may just rush through forming the Roman Empire and taking Iberia, and export the game to EU IV early.

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Posted by on October 4, 2013 in CK II, Snarkangel Plays (The Tags)

 

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