Dar al-Islam, Part Thirty: The Line of Kalmen says Good-Bye to Crusader Kings

10 Oct
Oh! Well then… That was unexpected.
Well then, Ajeddig.

We should probably try to find the murderer. You may not be safe!

Oh, no worries. It was me.

It was you!?

Oh yeah, totally! I want to be Roman Emperor, and he was taking way too long. Besides, he was old anyway.

He was 59! Some members of your dynasty lived until they were 80!

Not Aksil lol!

God damn it… Fine. Whatever. You want to be Roman Emperor? All you need is Croatia.

Sure. No biggie. I’m Caliph of the most powerful Empire in the world. Even the Roman Empire at its full height could not claim the power I wield.

I don’t know if that’s true.

Shut up! I’m Caliph, I do what I want!


Immediately we run into trouble in Aquileia, but equally immediately we have reinforcements on the way.


But then, that’s how it goes when you control half of Iberia, all of Africa, all of the Middle East (sans northern Persia, which remains Seljuk), all of Anatolia, most of the Balkans, and Italy. The Kalmen armies are an infinite horde of well-equipped, experienced veterans fuelled by hate and faith.


Though the battle is won, the Lotharingian army outmanoeuvres the Kalmen forces and gets into Northern Italy.


But it doesn’t matter.

Of course it doesn’t! I’m just that awesome!


So guess what?



Roman Empire?

Damn straight!


Are you ready for this? Are you ready to push that button?





Well, okay. That description makes no sense, since it’s supposed to be available only to the Byzantine Empire. So allow me a moment to make up my own version…

Friends, Romans, Countrymen. People of the North and West: Even among the deserts of Arabia and Africa, the glories of the great and ancient Roman Empire are known. As Sultan of Alexandria, Rome, Constantinople and Jerusalem, Caliph Ajeddig has done what no Christian pretender has done; taken the lands of the former Empire by the might of his will. No one living can claim the same. By the Grace of Allah and His Prophet Muhammad (Peace Be Upon Him), Caliph Ajeddig does hereby claim the lands of the former Empire of Rome for Islam.

There, I think that works much better!

I like it!

Now let’s take a look at our GLORIOUS EMPIRE!


Dat imperial purple. I only wish it had changed our name to ‘Roman Empire’ or something similar.

So what’s next?

I have no idea. There’s not much left to do, honestly. We’ve steamrolled everything that got in our way, and I don’t really want to keep doing that on and on until the game ends and we own all of Europe. Time to transfer over?

Actually, it’s that steamrolling I take issue with. I need to remind myself of the original goal; colonize Texas as Muslim, because that’s just hilarious. I don’t want to just cakewalk my way through EU IV, so I’m going to nerf the Muslim Roman Empire. We have no use for Mali…


… Abyssinia…


… and Hungary.


None of these are particularly important, so we aren’t losing much. Of course, it is precisely because they are unimportant that I want to rid of them – they are cruft I don’t want to deal with any longer.

So then. Let’s resign, shall we?


Look on the right-hand side. The great leaders of the Kalmen Dynasty. Man, do I ever miss Koriaur. And Yahya. And Hakam. Those were some fucking great times.


The leaders from Sultan Hakam onwards. Really goes to show just how bogged-down the game has become since taking over the Caliphate.

Also note the score. I beat the Crusader Kings II ‘high score’ marker, with three centuries left to go on the clock. Damn.

NEXT TIME: Playing This:


Oh God, that is a really ugly version of Imperial Purple (and it’s even worse in-game). I think I’ll go back to the Arabian Green we had before…


Ahhh… much easier on the eyes. Guess all that ‘Roman Empire’ stuff was for naught, eh? Oh well, I needed something to do to occupy my time.

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Posted by on October 10, 2013 in CK II, Snarkangel Plays (The Tags)


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