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Category Archives: Literature

Hey, I finished a novel!!

It sucks. It’s garbage. It needs some major edits – hell, a whole damn rewrite is needed to make this thing any good.

 

It feels GREAT.

 

It’s an honest-to-goodness 130k word novel that I actually finished. Who cares if it sucks? Just finishing the damn thing was a huge learning experience. The beginning actually rocks, though the middle is pretty much a mess, and the ending doesn’t work because the middle doesn’t work. But I see what I did wrong, I know what I need to focus on the next time around. I have been putting aside a million little ideas so I could narrow in on this current project. Time to grab one of those and start over!

 

I’ll probably cannibalise this completed project for ideas. There’s some good shit in there!

 

BRB butchering my manuscript.

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Posted by on June 14, 2014 in Literature

 

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The Iron Throne, Part Five: Alls Fair in Love and War

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The War in the North is won! Tywin presses them in the south, while the reavers of the Iron Isles (Man, GRRM likes naming things ‘the Iron X’, where X is something boring) press into Winterfell from the north. Robb has no choice but to capitulate to King Joffrey’s military will.

The North submits. Jaime Lannister is released, while Lord Edmure of the Riverlands and Robb Stark of the North are imprisoned.

Fuck all y’all!

Indeed, Your Grace. However, there are still decisions to be made, and you are King on the Iron Throne.

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All his land belongs to the Iron Throne!

It did, once. But this may not be the reality of the Seven Kingdoms any more.

ALL HIS LAND!

Oh. Oh dear. Is this the old Joffrey back?

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That would be a yes. At least he isn’t castrating anyone? He seems to be spending too much time fawning over the canvas material on which the new maps are being printed.

SNIFF SNIFF IT'S BEAUTIFUL!

SNIFF SNIFF IT’S BEAUTIFUL!

While staring at the print, however, Joffrey is approached by a strange, hooded figure. I cannot hear what words trade between the two…

DON'T WORRY BRO HE SEEMS LEGIT

DON’T WORRY BRO HE SEEMS LEGIT

TOTALLY ON THE LEVEL

TOTALLY ON THE LEVEL

I’m sure, King Joffrey. In other news, now that peace reigns over most of the Seven Kingdoms – the Siege of Storms End progresses slowly – you need to select new Wardens, starting with the Warden of the North.

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WELL IT CERTAINLY ISN’T GOIN’ TO A TRAITOR!!

Of course, Your Grace. Besides, Brandon Stark is far too young to be –

WAIT WHY AIN’T HE DEAD YET?

I’m sorry Your Grace?

DAT BITCH AIN’T DEAD YET! KILL HIM!

*Sigh* Yes, King Joffrey.

AND THAT OTHER ONE TOO! RICKY MARTIN OR WHATEVER

You mean Rickon. The tiny little child?

YEAH THAT ONE

That would make Lady Sansa Lady of the North.

WHO?

Lady Sansa.

HER?

That’s correct. She’s a Stark.

WTF YOU SURE?

Yes.

OH RIGHT SHE BE DA BITCH WITH HAIR

Sure, why not. She’s also the one you blinded and jailed.

OH YEAH WELL SHE CAN LIVE LOL

I cannot say I understand you, Joffrey. At all.

I TAKE MY CUES FROM CARL

I don’t know who that is.

CAAAAAAAARL

Oh. That… explains everything, really.

 

THE END

 

Unfortunately, the game has become pointless. Stannis is done, and nothing challenges Joffrey’s rule of the Seven Kingdoms. Daenerys is dead, Stannis, Robb and Renly are all dead. There is nothing left to fight.

Also, the game keeps crashing. Such are the dangers of complex mods, I suppose. I think it’s trying to trigger a Daenerys event, but since she is not alive the game simply kicks the bucket. I cannot go two days from my current save without it crashing, and changing characters changes nothing.

 

With that, I bid you adieu. I certainly had fun, short as the campaign may have been.

 

The Iron Throne, Part Four: Fabric of War

King Joffrey? Your Grace? Hello?

Mmm?

There is still a horde of Northmen at the gates of Kings Landing.

Cool. I’m busy.

With what? What could possibly be more pressing than the imminent fall of the Iron Throne to Northmen!?

Fabrics!

Fabrics!

Um… Okay, look, if this is how your depression is manifesting itself, have at it. Healthy expression and all that. Glad to see you have a new hobby beyond blinding, beheading and castrating. But, and this is a really big but, our armies have lost, our soldiers driven away, dispersing into the countryside. We are exposed here, Your Grace.

Also, playing with dresses? What will Margery think?

Meh. She’s okay with it, I guess.

How cosmopolitan of her… The Northmen, by the way, have moved away from Kings Landing to give chase to our weakened armies. They press their advantage to the full, paradoxically giving us time to regroup and prepare for their return, just as soon as you take time out of your busy fabric-sampling schedule to rule the throne.

Look, Margery is regent. She’s in control of the throne. Let her deal with it.

Okay, now I’m really worried! You don’t even want the throne any more, do you?

Fine. Fuck this shit. Your people are suffering while you diddle about. I’ll do it! With the last of the money in our coffers, I hire a band of mercenaries, who assemble at Kings Landing. With proper leadership, the remaining men of the standing army join them, ready to mount a proper defence of the city and the Red Keep.

With the army ready to march once again, little time can be wasted. The coffers, already nearly devoid of funds, are now totally empty; not a single gold coin remains. The mercs will soon demand payment, then revolt, if this war is not drawn to a close immediately. I order the march, and –

So that's what that feels like. Bummer I guess.

So that’s what that feels like. Bummer I guess.

Even attempted assassination cannot rile King Joffrey  from his apathetic stupor. Life continues on as normal, I suppose. Security must be raised inside the Keep. Meanwhile, word reaches my ears of a rebellion-within-a-rebellion; the Iron Isles have broken free of the North and have launched a raid on Winterfell.

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They have very nearly reached the walls of that ancient home of the Starks. Undefended walls! This has split the beleaguered remnants of the Northern army already reeling from Tywin Lannister’s victories and my newly mustered mercenaries. A swift strike at the remaining troops in the south should shatter the northern rebellion and bring Robb Stark grovelling at my – er, King Joffrey’s – feet. Then only Stannis remains.

The mercenary Captain Ulther descends upon the army of  Lord Morcar of the North, and battle is met at Hayford.

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Victory is assured! Sadly, moving our troops north of Kings Landing leaves the way open for Stannis. Then, in the dawn of the new year, Joffrey celebrates his 16th birthday. Normally this would be cause for a huge celebration, with feasts and parties. Instead, Joffrey takes up sewing lessons and gives a terse announcement.

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Go me.

Yes, Your Grace.

That's sad.

That’s sad.

It is indeed, Your Grace. Whom shall become Grand Maester in his stead?

I dunno.
My own UncleFather refuses to help me in my wars!

My own UncleFather refuses to help me in my wars!

You… may want to keep that quiet, Your Grace. Also, he remains a captive of Robb Stark. I’m not sure what you want him to do. So I sense a bit of the old Joffrey returning? Yes? No? Anything at all to say?
Well, it was worth a hope.

In other news, with our northern borders slightly more secure, the army of Captain Ulter moves southward, into the lands held by Stannis Baratheon, marching on Storms End, where he holds his court.

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How nice.

Next Time: Winning the War! (?)

Also, this:

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This will not in any way cause conflict.

 

The Iron Throne, Part Three: Canon? What’s That?

With Cersei gone, her various children are without guardians and educators. Joffrey’s brother Tommen is tutored by Petyr Baelish, while Joffrey himself learns from Margery. Also, hey, this is interesting:

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The NIghts Watch rides Dragons into battle against their foes. So… fuck yeah? Also, some lowborn woman named Shae has been plotting in the castle. Though she has made no hostile moves, she does have ambitions to replace Varys as Master of Whi-

NOPE

NOPE

Fucking…

DOUBLE NOPE

DOUBLE NOPE

I HATE YOU SO MUCH JOFFREY

U MAD BRO? AIN’T NO THANG, ALL THIS KILLING MAKES ME HORNY

That is an image I will never sear from my brain.

HOT DICKINGS BRO! HIGH FIVE

HOT DICKINGS BRO! HIGH FIVE

BY THE GODS YOU WERE NOT JOKING! AUUUGH!

Not content with underage sex (Joffrey is 13 years old) and getting ladies pregnant, King Joffrey has been making mischief.

WREAKING HAVOC TOGETHER. ME AND PODRICK ARE BFF'S

WREAKING HAVOC TOGETHER. ME AND PODRICK ARE BFF’S

While you’ve been making friends, Lady Sansa –

WHO?

Lady Sansa Stark, Your Grace.

I DON’T KNOW THE NAME

You loved her once.

HER?

Indeed.

DID SHE HAVE HAIR?

Um… yes.

DOESN’T RING A BELL

You imprisoned, blinded, released, then immediately imprisoned her again.

THAT DOESN’T SOUND LIKE ME

It… sounds exactly like you, Your Grace. Either way, she’s complaining about her treatment within your dungeon.

WHAT DOES SHE CARE IF IT'S DARK SHE CAN'T SEE LOL THROW HER IN THE OUBLIETTE

WHAT DOES SHE CARE IF IT’S DARK SHE CAN’T SEE LOL THROW HER IN THE OUBLIETTE

Uh, why?

SHE CAN’T TELL THE DIFFERENCE ANYWAY. SHE’S BLIND COMEDY!

*Sigh…* Yes Your Grace.

In other news, your armies have secured those rebellious lords nearest to our home, and Robb flees north, terrified of your grandfather, Lord Paramount Tywin Lannister of the Westerlands. This frees your armies to attack Stannis Baratheon, your uncle, who claims the throne as proper heir. He has fought hard and well against the forces of the Peach, and has risen victorious over our allies. However, he is weakened by the weeks of war against his brother and Lord Mace of the Peach, leaving him vulnerable. I suggest we press our advantage before he can recover.

GO FOR IT

Yes, Your Grace. Also, the Vale seems to be splitting apart.

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COOL

Yes, Your Grace.

As the day of the birth of Joffrey’s first child nears, everyone in the Seven Kingdoms watches with their hearts full of a whelming passion, a frisson rising in their veins. Many men change the day they become fathers. Would a child calm our reckless king? When Margery took sick, Joffrey was distraught, inconsolable. He turned away even his closest friend Podrick and spent his every moment at Margery’s bedside.

She went into labour early in the night.

what

what

I’m sorry Your Grace.

no

no

no
No
NO
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

Your Grace?

FUCK YOU

King Joffrey falls into a deep depression, alternately weeping and catatonic.

what do i do?

What can I do?

There is nothing you can do, Your Grace. The Iron Throne calls for you. It needs a strong ruler, and you are the only King. The Iron Throne needs you, Joffrey. The Seven Kingdoms need you.

How’s the war against Stannis going?

There have been setbacks, My King.

Of course there have.

Stannis crushed our army by clever ambush, but our men gave as good as they got, and the forces of the Peach-

The Reach, you idiot.

Yes, Your Grace. The forces of the Reach saved our men from worse, and descended upon Stannis as he pursued us northwards from the Stormlands, defeating him.

And all glory goes to my in-laws. Fucking great.

The Night’s Watch has a new Commander; Bowen Marsh

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Your Grace? Have you anything to say about this?

Oh. Cool.

Yes, Your Grace. In other news; OH SHIT

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The army of Lord Morcar of the North has outmanoeuvred Tywin Lannister and descended upon Kings Landing! The already-battered army of the Iron Throne is weak and under-strength, and cannot defend the castle!

Let them come. Let them kill me.

Let them come. Let them kill me.

They may not be so kind to your wife, Your Grace.

So? Maybe one of them can give her a healthy child.

Oh dear…

NEXT TIME: What will it take to get Joffrey back to his former self? And why do I feel dirty just hoping for that?

 

The Iron Throne, Part Two: Wedding, Murder, Intrigue

I'M MARRIED NOW I WANT TO HOST A FEAST BECAUSE FUCK YOU I'M KING I DO WHAT I WANT

I’M MARRIED NOW I WANT TO HOST A FEAST BECAUSE FUCK YOU I’M KING I DO WHAT I WANT

That might not be the best plan, King Joffrey. You see, we have no money, and the wedding feast will cost you 400 Gold.

FUCK THAT SHIT WHO ARE THOSE OTHER PRISONERS ANYWAY?

I’m not actually sure, Sire. I’m not intimately familiar with the setting.

I WAS JUST GOING TO HAVE THEM EXECUTED BUT I GUESS I’LL RANSOM THEM OFF FOR FEAST MONEY

You do that, Joffrey. Meanwhile, Lord Paramount Tywin Lannister has left Harenhal, and is attacked by King Robb-

YOU TAKE THAT BACK

– at Castlewood.

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Robb Stark has the upper hand –

YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH

Fear not, King Joffrey! Look back at that image. Tywin is losing the battle, but he has reinforcements only days away. Battles in CKII are not representing single, decisive engagements. They are instead abstractions of all the manoeuvring and tactical planning undertaken by both sides. ‘Battles’ of this sort will take many days in-game to complete themselves. Besides, our armies are assembled at King’s Landing; should our aid be necessary, they can make it to Robb’s army before he has a chance to escape, even if he succeeds in defeating Tywin Lannister.

Sadly, only one ransom is accepted.

BALLS WELL WHATEVER KILL THE OTHER TWO

BALLS WELL WHATEVER KILL THE OTHER TWO

I’d suggest otherwise, King Joffrey. You see, one of them is the son of a lord in the Reach

YOU MEAN THE PEACH LOL WHO’S THE OTHER ONE?

Uh… Jeyne Pool, daughter of a minor Lord of the North. Perhaps –

NOPE

NOPE

Well… Okay then. This leaves you with Horas Redwyne, an Andal and vassal of our new friends in the, uh… Peach. What should we do with him? Lord Paramount Mace I of the Peach doesn’t want him, not for the gold you’re asking.

EXECUTE NO WAIT BLIND HIM

*Sigh* Yes King Joffrey.

NO WAIT…
LOLOLOLOLOLOL

LOLOLOLOLOLOL WHATS NEXT

That would be Lady Sansa, Your Grace.

IT'S EVEN FUNNIER WHEN IT'S A GIRL LOL

IT’S EVEN FUNNIER WHEN IT’S A GIRL LOL BUT WAIT WHY DID I RELEASE HER IMPRISON HER AGAIN!

King Joffrey, there *is* a war still on. You do realize this, yes?

CALM YO TITS BRO GRANDPA TYWIN’S GOT THIS

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So he does. So what’s the plan now, King Joffrey?

FUCK STANNIS IN THE BUM HOLE WITH A MACE

Ooooo-kay. In the meantime, we are having money troubles. You keep spending it to buy stuff.

NUH-UH NOT MY FAULT BRO
FOUND THE CULPRIT

FOUND THE CULPRIT

But there is no – fuck it. Never mind. Lord Tywin Lannister has defeated Robb the Young Wolf  at Castlewood, and now pursues him northward. He may be overextending, leaving Stannis unopposed, but your allies in the Peach may be all the help you need on that front. Still, Tywin may face ambush from the North if he isn’t careful.

Also, the NIghts Watch is asking for more men to man the Wall. They say it is an emergency.

DUDE NO TIME FOR SNARKS AND GRUMPKINS I HAVE REBELLIONS AND SHIT TO FIGHT

DUDE NO TIME FOR SNARKS AND GRUMPKINS I HAVE REBELLIONS AND SHIT TO FIGHT

Of course, Your Grace.

BEE-TEE-DUBS I TOTES SAVED THE DAY

What!? What did you do, Your Grace?

LOOOOOOL

LOOOOOOL

What.

Fucking WHAT!?

DRAGON BITCH BE DEAD YO

No, I got that far on my own. What.

I… whatever. Moving on. How did you hire the assassin?

GOLD BRO

Yeah, what gold? We have negative money, and negative cash flow. We already have huge debts. Where did you get the money?

LOANS ARE COOL ITS LIKE FREE MONEY FROM A BANK

That… is not how it works. You do realize the bank is charging you 25% interest on that loan, yes?

THAT’S INTERESTING LOLOL

Did… did you just make a pun, Your Grace?

PRETTY GOOD ONE TOO

Sure, I’ll give you that one.

COOL SO HEY I HAVE AN IDEA

I’ve had nightmares that begin this way…

MOM’S A TOTAL MONEYGRUBBER SINCE SHE STOLE FROM THE TREASURY

That was you, but go on.

I TOTALLY FORGOT TO HAVE A WEDDING FEAST SO NOW I'M APOLOGIZING TO THE HOTTIE

I TOTALLY FORGOT TO HAVE A WEDDING FEAST SO NOW I’M APOLOGIZING TO THE HOTTIE

ALSO THROWING MOM IN JAIL
TOTES DESERVES IT FOR STEALING

TOTES DESERVES IT FOR STEALING

That was still you. Also, she escaped.

PROVE IT

I’m sorry?

PROVE IT

Uh… Is Cersei in your prison?

NOPE

Well there you go.

Next Time: THIS CAN ONLY END WELL

 

The Iron Throne, Part One: This Can Only End Well

Welcome!

It’s time to start another Let’s Play. This time, I’m tackling another Paradox Interactive game; Crusader Kings II! For those not in the know, Crusader Kings II is a medieval assassination simulator (there is also politicking and war, but those pale in comparison to the fun to be had murdering everyone stealthy-like). Unlike most other Paradox grand strategy games, CKII has you play a dynasty, rather than a nation. In other words, you pick a character, and when his time runs out, you play his heir – whomever that might be – and move on from there, taking up your late fathers titles and ruling as king/duke/chief/whatever, and so on until the games end date.

For a clearer picture as to how the game plays, exactly, imagine Game of Thrones, but with a cast of ten thousand spanning four centuries (six if you have The Old Gods). The scheming and killing would actually make the perfect Game of Thrones videoga-

There’s a Mod for That.

I’m sorry?

There is totally a mod for that!

There is totally a mod for that!

Oh. Huh.

This can only end well!

Yes, folks, I am playing the exceedingly wonderful GoT mod for Crusader Kings II. There are plenty of scenarios to choose from, but I will be taking the scenario central to the early books; the Clash of Kings (so yeah, major spoilers for the early books).

But who should I play as? Really, there is only one choice, only one sane man in the whole of Westeros. Only one King who can guide the Seven Kingdoms with a steady hand and noble heart.

It will not end anything LIKE well.

THIS CAN ONLY END WELL

Joffrey Baratheon (Lannister) shall reunite the Kingdoms of Westeros under the flag of the Iron Throne. The heads of Robb, Renly and Stannis will lay at my feet within a month! In the meantime, let’s take a look at the new map of our great continent. Joffrey needs to know where he stands.

The South. Land controlled by the Iron Throne directly sits in the centre-right. To the west is the aptly and equally boringly named Westerlands. Directly south is the Stormlands, and to the west of that (my southwest) is the... Peach? And far south is Dorne.

The South. Land controlled by the Iron Throne directly sits in the centre-right in grey. To the west is the aptly and equally boringly named Westerlands in red. Directly south is the Stormlands in yellow, and to the west of that (my southwest) is the… Peach? Whatever, it’s green. And far south is Dorne in brown-yellow.

The wretched North. They seem distressingly more unified than I...

The wretched North. They seem distressingly more unified than I…

As Joffrey is too young to rule on his own, his mother Queen Cersei Lannister rules as regent (not that this is going to help). In the south, Stannis Baratheon, Joffrey’s uncle, lays siege to his brother in Storms End. The border with Robb’s kingdom is secured by Joffrey’s grandfather, Lord Tywin Lannister, who holds fast with twenty thousand men in Harrenhal. Before Robb can build his armies up, Joffrey should raise his own vassals. One must be ready for anything, and with enemies all around, Joffrey is in a dangerous position.

WHAT IS THIS NONSENS! Bring me his head! BRING ME HIS BALLS! I WANT TO ROAST THEM!

WHAT IS THIS NONSENSE! Bring me his head! BRING ME HIS BALLS!

Calm down, Joffrey!

NO

Uh… please?

NO BECAUSE MARRIAGE

I’m sorry, what?

DAMN SHE'S A HOTTIE LOOK AT THAT FACE HNNNGH!

MARRIAGE

Who will you choose? What’s the plan, Joffrey?

BONE THE HOTTIE

And what about Sansa?

FUCK HER

Uh…

BITCH BE STUCK UP GONNA KILL HER I WANT THE HOTTIE

That might not be the best plan.

WHY WILL THE STARKS BE MAD LOL?

I’m more worried about the geek rage as we stray off canon.

LOLOL YOU CAN’T EVEN SPELL CANNON RIGHT IDIOT BESIDES…
ALREADY DONE WATCHA GONNA DO?

ALREADY DONE WATCHA GONNA DO?

Watch the hilarity unfold.

NOW I WANT TO IMPRISON SANSA FOR TREASON

I’m not sure you can just imprison people willy-nilly. There’s a whole process to –

LOL

LOL

Fuck.

Next Time: Wedding Preperations!

 

So I Saw This Today:

GRRM

 

So the guy who says ‘fantasy is written in the language of dreams’ goes and makes the most drab and dreary fantasy setting out there?

Has this guy never been to Niagra Falls? Has he never looked through a fucking telescope, or at footage of the ocean floor, or even HEARD of the Nile or Amazon rivers? Has he never seen a picture of Ayers Rock, a bamboo forest or Naica Mine? Has he never, ever, in his entire life picked up a copy of National Geographic, or watched the Discovery Channel, or even browsed youtube briefly?

And this is only sticking to the geographic. Has he never studied Buddhism, never heard of people of Mongolia or Egypt, Greece, Rome or Persia? The ironworkers and teamsters responsible for building the world we know today? Has he not heard of psychology, sociology, physics or biology? Anatomy, art, music and film? Human fucking FLIGHT is lame to this man when it is achieved by hard work and the ingenuity of thousands, as opposed to someone writing about wax wings. We don’t read fantasy to find colour again, we read it to find new colours. To find novelty and creativity different from the novelty and creativity and beauty that surrounds us every day. Is George Martin so unimaginative he has to denigrate reality in order to wank his own chosen profession and pat himself on the back in the most banal and self-congratulatory way imaginable? And are you really going to fall for it?

 

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