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Dar al-Islam, Part Twenty-Four: More Unity!

Unity is not palatable to your more ambitious vassals, who would rather be their own rulers.
That’s quite a few backers he’s got…

Perhaps. But we have more!

Well, we have a few more…


It’s nothing more than a bunch of malcontent Anatolian Greeks.

They are Christian – Orthodox, specifically (Monothellite to be even more specific) – and Greek. They don’t like an Egyptian Sunni Muslim ruling over them. There are also some Berber and Arab opportunists trying to ride the coat-tails of what they hope will be a successful rebellion.

Running an Empire is hard work!

I know! And it only gets worse, Hakam.



I know, right? Lucky for us, they are just as happy fighting each other as they are us.


There’s a lot going on here, but the gist of it is this: I have no idea who is going to win! We’ve made good progress in our first wars, but the Tunisian bid for the throne has put a huge dent in our numbers, and forced us into a two-front war. Never a good thing! A quick, hard strike against the Tunisians will get them out of the fight and allow us to focus on what really matters; that huge rebellion in Anatolia! Fleets are raised to transport one of our armies across the Mediterranean to Tunis.


Mission accomplished! (Mostly)

Adding to our accomplishments, a tiny little peasant revolt has been dealt with too!


That’ll make things slightly easier!

I certainly hope so. It’s not much, but it’s something!

Speaking of something, uh… Emir Sadiq has died. Not sure how, or why, or when, but he did. And he was leading the independence faction.


Well that was a freebie!

It sure was! And honestly, the rest of our enemies fall with pitiful ease after that.

News from the east is not so wonderful. Our allies in the Seljuk Empire have lost control of their northern holdings and are embroiled in a civil war of their own. And the Sh’ia have made large gains in Persia and southern Arabia. It won’t be long until our two great nations clash once again.


We need to recoup, refresh our men and prepare to take Arabia from the unholy Sh’ia!

I agree! Well, except for that recoup and rest part…

Please don’t.

Don’t what?

Don’t do exactly what you’re thinking of doing.



I hate this entire family.

Well… let’s start by raising and consolidating our troops. Lucky us, the Seljuks, despite their troubles, have agreed to join us in our war against the Sh’ia Itijid.

The war is harshest on the western shores of the Persian Gulf, where tens of thousands of men manoeuvre into position and destroy one another.


Glorious deaths fighting the Sh’ia heretics! Allah shall judge them for their foolish behaviours in the next life.


This may be the decisive battle of this war. That Itijid army was once thirty-thousand strong but was whittled down, and is led by Caliph It’ij himself. You, Caliph Hakam II, command the army coming up from the south.

As you join the battle, ten-thousand Sh’ia camel riders come from the east and ambush your reserves before fleeing back into the desert. It’ij escapes, but his eldest son is slain by your own son and heir, Prince Abil.

It’ij quickly leads his cavalry to meet with his marshal, and marches on your northern army with another force of twenty-thousand men. In your rush to reinforce the army of your nephew Basileos (a Greek boy), southern Arabia is left defenceless, and your armies there are crushed with ease.


But that army at the top of the screenshot is sieging the Sh’ia capital. If we can take the entire province, we might have the leverage to declare victory! Push, Hakam, push!

Sush you, I’m not giving birth!


Ambush! Damn that wily It’ij!

With some quick manoeuvres and quick strikes, you regroup in Kalmen territory to make another push on the Itijid capital.



He is taking the bait! Should he engage the army in Kermanshah, your massive force in Baghdad will march to join in and crush this pretender Caliph once and for all!

NEXT TIME: The best laid plans…

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Posted by on September 22, 2013 in CK II, Snarkangel Plays (The Tags)


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Dar al-Islam, Part Twenty-Three: Arabs Unite!

Well, with that insanity avoided for now, let’s get back to unifying the Arabian Empire, shall we?
There, that’s it. That’s all the petty wars of the last fifteen years, all dealt with.
I need a break. I’m going on a Hajj to Mecca!

Good luck, yo!


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Well that was nice.

Good, because the rest of the world was not still while you were away.


Is there no rest to be had in this world?

Not for the Caliph! You have an Arabian Empire to unite!

Right right. Let’s start with all these one-province lords in the Levant and Mesopotamia.

Yes, let’s!2013-09-12_00018

Oh, ignore him! He hasn’t declared war yet…

While on campaign against some tiny lord, a bear attacked you!

That’s unfortunate.

It is! But don’t worry, you have a big strong man to save you!


Mmmm, bears…

Oh my!

But do you know what’s more dangerous than bears?




Last time we looked at Britain, it was a bit of a mess, with Norse Scots (called Skots, because they are Norse) and Danes tearing the Isles apart. In the last century it… has not changed much.


But let’s look at the religious map, too.


Yeah, I can see why the Pope would consider this problematic. At the games start in 867, the Catholics had pushed nearly all Norse from the Isles. Clearly they made a comeback, formed Skotland, which gained Norway (by inheritance) and Ireland (by conquest). Clearly they are not doing quite as well now; they’ve lost half of Ireland and all of Norway. But they have Pommerania!

Basically, the Pope is declaring a Crusade to fight a weakened Skotland and a powerfulish Denmark, which controls its own land, as well as parts of Finland. Neither one, nor both together, will stand up to the Holy Roman Empire should it join the Crusade. Because honestly? There really isn’t any other Christian nation. Western Europe looks like this:


Yes, that is Aquitaine and Toulouse fighting the Spanish for control of Northern Iberia, while the Muslim Balawids hunker down in the south.

Eastern Europe looks like this:


Poland in two parts, the Byzantine Empire in Croatia and Montenegro, and a big ol’ Rus on the upper right. Just right of the screenshot is the giant Seljuk empire, just sitting there.

And the religious map of Europe:


All that purpley-pink blotchyness in Anatolia and Greece is Orthodox Christianity. It’s so messy because I’m busily converting the Orthodox to Sunni Islam, one province at a time. Slow going.

Anyway, the Crusade!

Anyway, intrigue!


Anyway, war!



Don’t worry. After a few minor skirmishes around Alexandria, Prince Zeyd is beaten and surrenders.

Well that was-

Please don’t say easy.

Boring. I was going to say boring.

Yeah, I’ve never played as a character as powerful as a Caliph before. It has so far been nothing but plot discovered announcements and peasant revolts not even worth mentioning.
That said, the Sh’ia Caliph to the east has been growing quite rapidly!

With the Holy Roman Empire’s failure to commit to the Crusade, the Pope has no choice but to call it off.


I don’t know why they thought Jesus Christ would guide them to victory.

Me neither, Hakam. Me neither.


The failure of this First Crusade for England has had far-reaching and monumental consequences. Western Europe is… Well, look at it!




That’s, uh… severe.


You can say that again!


That’s, uh-




This is actually a good time to take back those Italian and Sicilian holdings we somehow lost somewhere along the way. The Holy Roman Empire is distracted and discordant, while we are stronger than ever! The Holy Roman Empire at full strength would certainly crush us, but as it is? Victory will be ours with little issue, I predict.


Lo and behold!





That was-


Don’t you dare.





I hate you so much right now.


You love it!


Grump grump grump.



See? You play tough, but you think I’m hilarious.




NEXT TIME: Grumpy McGrumperson grumps some more

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Posted by on September 19, 2013 in CK II, Snarkangel Plays (The Tags)


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Dar al-Islam, Part Twenty-Two: The Anticlimactic Caliphate

Let’s finish these Egyptian shitbirds! First, I need to split the MEGADEATHSTACK into two smaller DEATHSTACKS. One is going north, into Europe, to deal with the Hungarian rulers, the Abdullahid Dynasty, and their bid for independence from this great Sunny Caliphate.
With my army now numbering near a quarter-million, the Coalition of Losers surrenders. Egypt is whole again!



It’s… It’s… Beautiful. But up the coast, well…


What am I even looking at?


Oh. I’m looking at a blade. That’s what that feels like.

Fucking finally!

Now that that is over with, let’s rebuild what your father has destroyed. Isn’t that right, Hakam Jr.?


You were right. My father was dangerous and insane. I had to kill him. Do you know how many children he killed in the last decade?

I’ve been trying not to think about it.

Forty-two. Most of them were Kalmen children, in fact.

Yeesh. We did the right thing, you an I. Your father, on the other hand, left us a massive clusterfuck. But, he left you with the Sunni Caliphate. Unfortunately, between the civil war, the Coalition war, and now another civil war, the Caliphate is nothing like what it once was. Arabia is lost to us, as is most of Mesopotamia, Abyssinia and Anatolia. Also, a peasant revolt. Your fathers taxes were exorbitant.


Even from beyond the grave the ghost of my father haunts me.

It’s not all bad news, though.



We can all breathe a little easier. Despite the huge setbacks, we might come out on top.

Thirty-five years after the start of the Coalition War, the Kalmen dynasty again knows peace. After all the wars, after all the killing and the hatred, the Kalmen Caliphate looks like this:


It’s glorious!

It’s also going in the absolute wrong direction! We want to be going west so we can colonize the Americas! Your father took us east!

We have three hundred fifty years left to get there. First, I want to reunite the whole Caliphate, including all those little bits that have broken away.

Fine. But you’ve got a lot of little wars to deal with first.Some emirs are demanding independence, others demand lower Crown Authority. The web of allies the Kalmen dynasty has weaved in the past two centuries means you are receiving constant calls to arms.

Accept them, I suppose. Even though I have no intention of actually sending aid, at least I won’t take the prestige penalty for refusing an ally.

The only war of any note is this one, with two Greek lords declaring independence:


As you can see, they have a lot of men in Anatolia and the Balkans. It won’t be difficult to defeat them, but trying to organize your now vast empire with any alacrity is a doomed ordeal. The rebels are making good progress while troops march north from Egypt and west from Mesopotamia.

While our armies march to meet the rebels, the rebels take huge swathes of the Balkans. Eventually, our armies gain the upper hand in Anatolia and bring hold after hold to its knees.


This war is taking a looooong time, but nothing interesting is happening. In fact, this was has lasted nearly five years. Egads! In that time, there have been three peasants revolts, another short-lived bid for independence in Italy, and now your brother-in-law, Lot, is after your throne.


Allah be merciful!

Yeah, things are taking a turn of the worse. Again. But don’t worry; if your crazy father could do it, you can do it too!
Well, except for one incredibly problematic boy…


My displeasure is infinite!

That’s… one way of putting it, I suppose. Let’s take a look at this Sh’ia boy’s army, shall we?


Yeah, that’s four-hundred-fifty thousand men in Kuwait.

WHAT!? How did they even get there without anyone noticing!?

Magic, I presume. I say we just leave them alone for now, let attrition thin their numbers while we pursue our five other current wars to a conclusion of sorts.

Will attrition be neough?

Oh, most certainly not. Not even close. Nope. Nuh-uh. Kalmen be done, yo. I mean, Lot still has thirty thousand men in Africa, invading your lands there too!



Wait. what? What did you do?

Nothing! I have no idea! I received no peace offerings or demands, and sent none of my own. The war just… ended!

Well what was the result?

Uh… nothing? I can’t see anything that changed.

Yeah, me neither. No wait, there it is!


The Itijid boy took three provinces and formed his own, laughably miniscule ‘Caliphate’ there.

lolwut? Well that was a freebie.

Yeah, I guess it was!

NEXT TIME: Let’s not squander that opportunity, yes?

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Posted by on September 16, 2013 in CK II, Snarkangel Plays (The Tags)


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Dar al-Islam, Part Twenty-One: Bodies for the Meat Grinder

Are you talking to me yet?

Guess not. Does that mean I’m in charge of narrating this series?

Well let’s get started! The Kalmen Awesomate has suffered much against these traitorous losers. But with the great Hakam II at the head of the Kalmen armies, the lame n00bz are going down!


Here we see an unbiased screenshot crop, showing that we have sieged all the enemy holdings in Cyrenaica, Senoussi and Tobruk. We are marching on Benghazhi to do the same after one of my captains failed to hold the province and was destroyed. His incompetence earned him his fate.
And it looks like someone finally gets it!


I should be CALIPH! I’m sure the people of Egypt are behind me.


Oh yeah, they’ve totes got my back. The Muslim world is looking a little fractured, but Egypt is mine! Then the Caliphate. It’ll be awesome, and nothing can go wrong here! There is no context in which diving into the Caliphate’s civil war is a bad idea!


This is going to be, wait for it…


Awwwww yeah! I’m so witty.


The early battles of this war are confined mostly to the Levantine Coast. But I have a war to win in Egypt first! And that war is slowly turning around as I murder my way through about five more pre-pubescent kids, leaving the opposing armies leaderless and disordered as child after child, regency after regency, falls to my spies and assassins.
I love having a crazy high Intrigue score, not gonna lie. And the fact that my sister, who also has a ridiculous Intrigue, is my Spymaster. Combined, we are a baby-murdering machine! The Coalition of Losers continues to suffer losses, as do I. But I can replace my casualties much faster than they can, and with careful manoeuvring I am now winning this war of attrition. The war has lasted eight years, but finally it is looking my way! And hey, I captured one of the leaders of the Coalition!


Now guess who has an itchy sword hand? THIS GUY.


Hmm… All these executions have really been digging into my Piety (since Muslim rulers need to spend Piety in order to execute fellow Muslims). Whatever, this guy don’t even give a fuck!
The Abassid Caliph was killed in battle! Now the Zweirid dynasty has the Caliphate, but whatevs. It’ll be mine soon anyway.
Both sides in the war in Egypt began with twenty+ thousand men. How many men remain after a decade of constant warfare?


lol. That’s really it. That’s every single soldier that remains in Egypt, minus four hundred men I have stuck in Sicily. Two years later, though, and the war looks like this:


There remain a dozen or so holdings I need to siege before I can call myself the victor, but never mind that. I AM THE VICTOR! Speaking of AWESOME VICTORIES:


Know what that makes me? I’m the Caliph, bitch!
You know what? That’s… rather underwhelming. It also means I have inherited two new wars, because wading into a civil war and taking the throne didn’t solve every problem in the world. Who knew? Let’s raise some armies to deal with these other losers while I deal with the Egyptian losers!




Wait. Wait, hold on. I’m looking around at my brandspankingnew Caliphate armies, and what do I see? The most glorious sight I have ever witnessed. BEHOLD THE MEGADEATHSTACK






It even comes with a little skull. That means it is special AWESOME.


Oh wait, that just means it is suffering from losses due to lack of supplies. Which is understandable, because ONE-HUNDRED THOUSAND MEN.


NEXT TIME: War. War never changes. Unless you have a MEGADEATHSTACK. Then everything changes.

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Posted by on September 13, 2013 in CK II, Snarkangel Plays (The Tags)


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Dar al-Islam, Part Twenty: A Grinding Halt

Uh oh!
My soldiers have fucking failed me!

Well, the Kalmen Dynasty has been riding a wave of continuous victories for almost two centuries (it’s 1064 right now). They had to come down eventually.

Yeah, but not under me! I’m the greatest Sultan of Egypt there ever was! I own more lands than the Pharaohs ever did! What is this shit?

There is one other option, Hakam. Assassination.

Ah yes, the old Kalmen standby. How could I forget?


Well, it took five tries, three of which were discovered and linked back to you. But hey! You got it done! You look like a desperate maniac willing to delve into the deep basin of dishonour to do it, but the man is dead and you have won the war.

Boom baby!

It’s not that good a result, Hakam. Everyone hates you now. More than they did before. Also, you have the Measles.


Also, not be be a negative Norman, but, well…


Wait. The did the Halalid… Sassanid… Abassid… Caliphate… thing. Where did it go?

Oh, it’s very dead right now. That is a civil war if ever there was one! Not that ours is going any better…

There’s another civil war!?

Ayup! Three of them, in fact; one to lower crown authority, one for Sheikha Hypatia’s independence, and one naming you a pretender to the throne. I don’t have a screenshot of the first but, well…



My thoughts exactly! I don’t have the slightest clue how you’re going to pull this one out of the fire. I think you should surrender to the independence and crown authority factions, and focus on Prince Rafiq.

NEVER! Where’s my Easy Button?

Don’t you dare!



Glad to see you’re feeling better.


Spry as a spring chicken!

Oh no. You’re about to die, aren’t you?


For a second there I was having flashbacks…


I don’t know what you were so worried about. Look at that army we have! We’ll win this war yet!

If the war were contained to the Nile Delta, sure. Sadly, the rest of Egypt looks like this:


Also noteworthy: The Samarids retook the Caliphate throne, but then lost it to the Abbasids. So… back to square one, there. Also, and alliance with Mali has given you some small aid, but they are not numerous enough to be of any real help, and what troops they do have are committed in the massive war to our east.


Progress in the Sinai is slow. Meanwhile, more and more Sheikhs betray you, returning the betrayal they feel you have visited upon them. More troops from the west march east and lift the siege of Benghazi, but not before the coalition of traitors has hold of Alexandria, Gizeh, Fustat and Leptis Magna. We are falling behind.

More mercenaries?

There are no more mercenaries, Sultan! There is nothing.


Assassination? I think that would be a bad-


That was-

Don’t. You. Say. It. That leaves Sheikh Milad of Atbara as head of the coalition against you. He’s a child of nine, Hakam.


You are viciously good at that.

Thank you!

That is not even close to a complement.


Since most of your family has joined the coalition, it was bound to happen; Dalim ibn Dawlat is your nephew, born only two months ago. His parents escaped, abandoning their child for their own safety.



No one is allowed to stand against me.

There was no danger of that. THE BOY COULDN’T EVEN CRAWL YET.

Oh come off it. You’ve stood by as I murdered my way through dozens of children.

The boy was an infant! Not even a year old! He was your nephew!

Why would that matter?

FAMILY! Family matters!

The Kalmen dynasty is safe in myself, and my children.

NEXT TIME: What have I done?

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Posted by on September 10, 2013 in CK II, Snarkangel Plays (The Tags)


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Dar al-Islam, Part Eighteen: Manflight

Really? You’re all for murdering a dog, right up until a little girl cries at you?
To be fair, her father is a giant.

You’ve never backed down from a fight in your life. If you thought he was threatening you, you’d have ripped his face from his skull with your bare hands!

Shut up, she was adorable, okay?
When you want something, you go for it! As, it seems, does Suhaila, your teenage daughter.
She is certainly a precocious little one!
Meanwhile, after nearly a decade of war against your vassals in Sicily, the Byzantine Empire has collapsed. Athens, Byzantine Sicily and southern Italy have all broken off, forming the nation-state of Epirus. The Byzentines still exist, holding only a tiny portion of Croatia.
I guess that means both countries are weak…


It most certainly does! Epirus is ripe for the picking.


Holy War for Sicily?


Holy War for Sicily! We can take southern Italy while we’re at it! Before that, however, you should probably know: Caliph Muhammad IV died, and was succeeded by Caliph Shaiban. You should probably make friends with-




Well then. How goes the war?




I got this one in the bag!


Sure looks that way! And in the middle of all this bloodshed, Suhaila has grown up!





And her betrothed (now husband, I suppose) immediately confers upon her a high honour:




Which, funnily enough, was her very first Ambition! She achieved it in mere days. Not bad!


For a woman.


Don’t be such a grump, Hakam. Also:




Unfortunately, since they were in rebellion against the Byzantine Emperor, we didn’t get all of their Italian land.

Also (again):



Go make friends! (again).


Actually, wait.




Yes, that is Hungary in the Middle East. Because the King of Hungary was, at one point, a Samarid ruler, who also owned land in Mesopotamia. Now, that Hungarian Sultan has rebelled and brought with him all sorts of trouble for the Samarids.




Most of the land on the right side of that screenshot was, until only days ago, Samarid territory. Note Bavaria and Lombardy splintering from the Holy Roman Empire. They won’t really be able to take advantage of this moment of Samarid weakness. The Seljuk might though!


Sadly, there are festering denigrates within the Kalmen Sultanate.





I will not be blackmailed!


Let’s hope it’s that easy! Spoiler: It won’t be








Mercenaries won’t be enough, Sultan. After the war against Epirus, and a minor war against the Byzantines, our armies are exhausted. We may not have the muscle to take on all these threats at once.


Most of the disloyal vassals rose in south-central Egypt. The majority of our troops are in the west. Let us focus there, on the easier targets, then return by sail to Alexandria.




That seems to be working! Though the Tunisian Independence movement is falling to our swords, we are losing a lot of ground and will have much catching up to do along the Nile.’








Now we just need to take central Egypt back. They don’t have Alexandria or Fustat, the two most important provinces in Egypt, and that gives us a bastion from which to launch our counterattack. Our army, bolstered by fresh mercenaries and submissive Tunisian Sheikhs, lands at Alexandria and within days marches to meet the enemy army.


Oh, and did I mention we outnumber then by a HUGE amount?





Crisis averted! Now we just need to mop up these disgruntled Crown Authority whiners!




Well never mind! They whine pretty hard!


The war progresses slowly. They have a lot of five-thousand-strong armies wandering around, making hunting them all down a tedious affair. They also have a vast head start as far as siege and occupation goes. However, after a long slog f minor battle and lengthy siege, the war is over.




In the meantime, both the Holy Roman Empire and the Samarid Dynasty have quelled their own fractitious rebellions. Status Quo truly is God.


NEXT TIME: Upsetting the Status Quo


Posted by on September 4, 2013 in CK II, Snarkangel Plays (The Tags)


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Dar al-Islam, Part Seventeen: Shoop da Woop

The war against the Ifrids progresses well.
Your masterful command of the cavalry at Tunis saw you prevail over a force of superior numbers. This gives a short break in hostilities, allowing our vast armies of the Nile move west and join the war. A brief African revolt is put down, and the leader executed. However, a far more serious revolt is brewing…
That’s annoying.

Isn’t it though? Those dangerous factions are still around, still causing trouble, and now this Nasr is claiming your Sultanate! So is Ra’uf, the former Sultan you ousted in his childhood. He’s all grown up, has taken a slice of Sicily for himself, and has the backing of a major faction in his effort to retake the Sultanate.


I’m sure there’s a poem somewhere that can help in a time like this. Or maybe I’ll just write one…

What are you on about now?


Well congratulations? There’s a major war on our hands, and Nasr is still out there somewhere, building an army. Right now, though, Ra’uf has a lot of troops in central Egypt.





Nasr’s Host is hiding off in Morocco, but given the volatile situation in Egypt and North Africa right now, he might come east any moment to stake his claim on a slice of the Nile. But you’re more interested in more temperate pursuits, aren’t you?


Do you have something against poetry?

No, nothing Sultan! Only… there are many battles to be fought, and you’re spending most of your time reading books. I mean, reading is great! But someone needs to lead the armies.

This is why I have Marshals!


Ooo! Fancy!

Nasr’s Host is raising across our northern shores, landing with the protection of a massive fleet to raid Alexandria and Al Alamayn. Our army manages to catch Nasr himself off guard, however, and defeat him. He is your prisoner.

Execute him!

That might piss off your vassals, Sultan. He is a beaten man, and at your mercy. It would be wise to show some.

Nope. Nuh-uh. Not happening. I’ll cleanse this foul possession that afflicts me by bathing in his blood!

Uh… Your vassals definitely won’t enjoy that.

You mean the ones that have already rebelled? What do I care?

What about your wife? Do you care about her? How about your son?



Just like that?

This sort of black and vile behaviour cannot be allowed to stand!


In fact, end her entire brood!

Are you seriously suggesting we murder four of your eight children? Three of your potential targets would be kids, not even ten years old! One of them is your heir!

Fine. Let them live. But I want no funny business out of them! You see to that, clear?

I wish I could say ‘no problem!’, but that would be a huge lie. Your wives are terrifying skullduggers.


Leaving me with only one more wife. Should I be worried about Zara as well?

Honestly? I have no idea any more. And you know what? I have no idea what you’re doing any more, either.


I don’t know what you’re talking about.


Between your poetry and your flying contraptions, you aren’t paying any attention to this war.



What was that about flying contraptions? You’re crazy, I’d never do that.


I watched you leap from your throne with bird feathers glued to your shirt.


That doesn’t sound like me!






Well okay, fine! But this one’ll work, I promise! I watched instructional videos and everything!


Stop breaking the fourth wall, Hakam. It’s very distracting.




Seriously? The dog?


Well yeah! It would be cruel to subject a human to such a unique and daring experiment!


But dogs are okay?


Of course! Dogs are ugly and gross and they slobber! 


So because you don’t find something cute, it’s okay to press it into an almost certainly fatal service?





I… hate you so much sometimes.


NEXT TIME: Will it fly?


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Posted by on September 2, 2013 in CK II, Snarkangel Plays (The Tags)


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